I’ve spent the last three or four days unwell. I won’t go into the gruesome details but I feel I may be inside out and two stone lighter. With this in mind, the last thing my haggard, bed-ridden body wanted to contemplate was food. Imagine therefore the irony when the weekend’s tv schedule greeted me with ‘Come Dine With Me’ marathons to torture my viewing pleasure. It got me thinking though. If West Ham did a ‘Come Dine With Me’ with managers from the Premiership age, who would be on and what would they serve?
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First host: Avram Grant
Avram would, within seconds, set the mood for the festivities ahead with his characteristic demeanour. With Grant, you would expect the meal to start disappointing and not to suit the tastes of those going along for it. The wine would lack any fizz, accept for one high point when he brings out lesser expected drinks that compliment each other for a very brief moment, unexpectedly pleasing those who are there. When towards the end of the meal he realises he’s losing momentum, he cracks open Chateau Bridge (otherwise known as Chateauneuf de Crap) and Beaujolais Keane. These are unfortunately well past their best and just further ruin an already disappointing evening.
Second Host: Gianfranco Zola
Gianfranco would provide us with a menu heavily influenced by Italy. The small mediterranean maverick would provide Latin delights that look fantastic, bring smiles and happiness and are remembered fondly in the short term. However when looking back at it, guests will discover that his dinner parties only come across well due to them being more pleasing on the eye than what they’d had previously. The presentation whilst excellent, only papers over the cracks of badly executed food.
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Host 3: Alan Pardew
Restoring some pride to the proceedings, Alan comes along on night three. Knowing that he has pride to restore, Alan starts slowly and methodically. The starter is stable, unspectacular, but efficient. The main is added to sensibly to provide plenty of further ingredients and making it something that is an eye opener to the guests. The dessert (or finale) is quite, quite amazing. Whilst not providing the 100% desired result, it’s full of excitement and really delivers making everybody proud. Unfortunately, Pardew ruins his chances as a confectionery statue of himself is presented at the end of the evening. Pardew doesn’t share this with other guests, proving the old adage to be true, that if he was made of chocolate he’d eat himself.
Final host: Sam Allardyce
And so we come to the final night of our ‘Come Dine With Me’ week. Big Sam Allardyce. Taking a while to get things started the guests begin to become restless. Even though the food tastes good, the presentation is not what the company expected and there grows dissention. Eventually the introduction of a Portuguese ingredient is what wins everyone over against odds. Adding more and more important factors throughout his dining experience, the more the meal impresses, reaching heights that hadn’t been dreamt of before.
And so there we have it. A week of previous Hammers’ bosses in a fantasy WHUFC ‘Come Dine With Me’ experience. Though I didn’t name a winner, I hope I made it obvious enough that Sam came out on tops. As always, the winner gets a cash prize, awarded to them by a small dog called Rosie who despite having plenty of money, has no connection to any former West Ham managers.
And at the risk and threat of a lawsuit I changed my initial plans for this piece which was ex-players and didn’t mention Shaun Newton’s dinner party once!
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