Monday July 16th 2010
Signed for West Ham. They got a discount from Portsmouth as I forgot myself and limped into the medical. Seems a nice place though. That nice Mr Grant has introduced me to the players that are going to make this a top three side. Both Boa Morte & Kovac seem really decent blokes.
Saturday September 25th 2010
I score my first league goal for us against Spurs. The fans have really taken to me – referring to me as a Sandy Clark with dreadlocks. By all accounts that man is a legend in these parts although they seem to pronounce it bell-end in this part of London.
Sunday May 15th 2011
Im picked for our make or break game against Wigan. It doesn’t go well and we give away a two goal lead and lose. As a result we are relegated. Back in the dressing room that nice Mr Grant is inconsolable. So too are the rest of the team. Some have even forgotten his name in the confusion and are asking why that Grunt (or that’s what it sounds like) picked me.
Summer 2011
I am linked to various moves away from Upton Park. That nice Mr Allardyce has been trying to convince me how nice the Falkland Islands and parts of Greenland are at this time of year. No move materialises however as both sides mentioned are unable to raise the fee of four packets of Jaffa Cakes.
Sunday 7th August 2011
That nice Mr Allardyce told me I was in the starting line up to face Cardiff. Not sure that he has seen me play much to be honest though that equally nice Mr Grant has put a good word in for me. Something about `your welcome to him`. Unfortunately we lose the game.
Saturday 19th November 2011
I come on as a substitute against Coventry and score the winning goal. I have tried to explain to the team that I meant to score with my shoulder whilst face down in the six yard area but they just laugh. Im starting to feel that they don’t appreciate what I bring to the team.
Tuesday 29th November 2011
That nice Mr Allardyce tells me im in the starting line up against Middlesbrough. To be honest I had hoped not to have made the trip as my Next catalogue had arrived this morning and I still have my goal bonus from the Coventry game to spend. However tonight`s goal has made me this seasons fifth top scorer. I am a proud man tonight and feel that I am starting to justify my £25k a week wages.
Monday 26th December 2011
Substituted in the game against Birmingham and I really do feel that my time at West Ham is up.
I have spoken to that nice Mr Allardyce and he assures me that although I still feature in his plans that he will let me go for the right price. At this point he looks into the biscuit tin?
Time to ring my mate Herita I think.
January transfer window
Doncaster Rovers. Be afraid ………….
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Is this meant to be funny? Or another pointless dig at a player some fans have decided not to like for this month. I wonder who next months villain will be……
I wonder if old PIQ is related to that guy who played that 1 game for southampton, but a least he only played 1 game 4 them. coyi