West Ham Fan Applies For Manchester United Job

Though I’m one of the biggest West Ham fans living (in support not stature) I do understand the need to sometimes better yourself in your work life. Therefore, I recently took it upon myself to get in touch with Malcolm Glazer, so I could apply for the newly vacant manager’s position. Unfortunately though it would seem that the powers that be at Manchester United had already decided to appoint David Moyes, otherwise I swear my genuinely sent application would have been top of their list.

Dear Mr. Glazer,

Or should that be ‘Yo Malcolm’ to give this a more American vibe?

I read with great interest this morning that Sir Alex Ferguson has decided to hang up his hairdryer at the end of the season. As a football fan of many years I feel it my duty to offer you my services as the new manager of Manchester United. I admit that whilst my name may not be synonymous with being a top class manager, my credentials that I’ve outlined below will show you many a parallel with Sir Alex.

1. Like Sir Alex himself, I am no stranger to guiding less-fancied sides to remarkable and unexpected victories. Fergie himself became known to British football with wins over Bayern Munich and Real Madrid in European competition whilst at the veritable minnows that are Aberdeen. Myself, I managed Gillingham Town from the fourth tier of English football, to the top flight in five seasons. In my seventh season I got to the Champions League final, beating Juventus and Paris St. Germain on the way. Now whilst I freely admit this was on Championship Manager for my PC, it should still be noted what a truly outstanding feat this was.

2.  Also, like our favourite Scotsman, I have a keen interest in racing. Whereas Mr. Ferguson is a fan of horse racing and owned the succesful racehorse Rock Of Gibraltar. I’m more into the speed of touring cars. So not only do I have dual sport interest like your outgoing manager, but where I watched the touring cars at the weekend I have a sunburnt face resulting in a bright, shining, red nose. If I was to be introduced to the team like this, it might make them feel comfortable that this one thing remains constant.

3. Sir Alex is renowned amongst managers for having great taste in fine wines. It is known within these footballing circles that after a game he will often share an excellent glass of red with the opposition manager. Now I have similar, but not as expensive tastes in red and would happily, post-match, share a pint of Red Stripe with any opposition manager. (Apart from Paul Ince, if I had to manage a team against Blackpool I couldn’t see myself entertaining him afterwards.) In fact, if my love for Red Stripe became famous, we could possibly market it into the club and rebrand the team ‘Manchester Red Stripes’ It would only take a small amount of tinkering to alter the home shirt accordingly.

4. I have some very good friends who are Scottish. If the players in the changing room weren’t too keen on hearing a different twang to an accent, I’d happily bring one of them in to give the team talk in a similar inflection. This would guarantee consistency that the players would no doubt appreciate.

5. I only need to add an ‘o’ to the end of my first name to almost guarantee bringing the FA Cup to Old Trafford. With Roberto Mancini wining it two years ago, Roberto di Matteo winning it last year, and Roberto Martinez winning it this year, the simple addition of one letter will allow me to deliver silverware in my first season. I appreciate that success is no doubt expected within the club, but it must be noted that it took Fergie years to achieve this in Manchester.

Though I’m sure there will be other candidates interested in such a prestigious position, I am sure that not one of them will have such a watertight argument. I’m free most days for an interview as I haven’t taken all my annual leave yet and just ask for a few days notice so I can inform my boss, however, I have most Friday afternoon’s off so this would be most convenient for me.

I eagerly await your reply

Robert(o) Taylor